An Audience

I've learned lately that I have a growing audience, and I began to think about how this makes me feel. You might think that's the point of having a blog. Which is a good assumption, however I'm not so sure those were my intentions. I initially created this blog as a creative form of stress relief. I enjoy writing, and I often use it as a form of relaxation, thus this blog. When this was created I only had two followers and only my good friend Ember stuck around. However, within the past six months my page views has spiked by about 150. I've been trying to figure out why? The answer to that I still haven't figured out, but it has got me thinking about the way I use my blog. Should I continue with my current format of random thoughts and feelings? Or should I focus more on one thing? Creative work, television, movies, etc. But then I realized, if people didn't want to read what I was writing, they wouldn't continue to read my blog. That's when I realized what I was really worried about. I was worried that, instead of my normal non-judging friend audience, I now have readers who were judging what and the way I write. I want to impress people. I don't want them to read what I write and think it's stupid. Epiphany. My personality often gets in the way. I worry to much about what people think of me, and sometimes, I really shouldn't care. To make a throw back to my first post-this is me.

Regrettable

I use to believe in no regrets. The past was the past and the future was right around the corner. The past was back in some alley I would never walk through again. Well lately, I've been walking through those alleys, seeing things that I missed during that first time through. Learning about myself and the person that I've become. I've been through a lot of dark alleys, but luckily for me a lot of very bright alleys. I've met so many people in the streets of my life. Some bad, more good. People are what I live for. Meeting them, talking to them, knowing them. I find comfort in others, peace in others, life. Not everyone I've met has brought me those things. Some have brought me pain, anger and tears. Some have left me feeling alone and forgotten, but one thing I've learned while revisiting my past avenues, is that I'm never alone. I'm never without comfort and peace. Whether it's from the smile of the woman at the checkout counter or the voice of a friend singing her favorite song. People can get you down. Way down. But more importantly, they can pick you up. They can hold you and love you. If you go back and look over the ditches you've fallen in that align the roads of life, it was people who pulled you out. Who pushed you forward. Who got you around that sharp curve. I want to thank those people, and I regret not thanking you before.

Wrong? Definitely Not

So I'm marking my big 2010 blogger return with a bit of vengeance. The other day someone told me that I was wrong and I just didn't want to admit it. This of course, kinda pissed me off and filled me with questions. How do they know that I secretly think that I'm wrong? Can they read minds? Do they have a secret device that allows them to read minds? When have ever not freely shared my opinion or admitted when I'm wrong? I know it sucks being wrong, but I have no problem admitting it, however in this particular case I'm not wrong. I've always believed that everyone can have their own opinion and that people should shares those opinions and have a dialogue expressing their views. However telling someone they are wrong, without giving any reasons isn't sharing a view, it's an attack. It's a form of bullying and it's a sad try to get a rise and response out of someone. It's not trying to begin a smart conversation about opposing views. However, since becoming a young adult, I've become less and less surprised at finding so many toddlers pretending to be grown ups.

Fishin'

When I was little my adopted grandfather, Cliff, took me fishing. We went out on this small boat and finished for the better part of the day. I got so frustrated because every time I caught a fish he would make throw it back. I eventually got to the point of not seeing the purpose of fishing. Now that I'm in college, i've done my fair share of fishing. I feel a tug. It feels pretty good. I'm reeling it in, and then the line breaks. OR. I don't get any bites. OR. I get nibble. Then it's pulling hard. I'm reeling it in and everything is going great. Every thing is as it should be. Things are started to look up. I start to feel good about this one. I start to think I've finally caught something worth keeping. But then I reel it in. And I hear a voice that says throw it back in. Sometimes i keep it, thinking it will be OK. But that voice is right. I realize that the voice is right. So I toss it back, or it flops back in the water all by itself. And I keep fishin'. Hoping that one day, I'll catch something I can keep. Something worth taking back home. Until then, if you're looking for me, I'll be fishin'.

So

So I cried once. A long time ago. A warm day with clouds.
They came. The tears did. It was strange, because they were real.
They were for someone else. Someone real. Someone here.
I was helpless. But that was back then. When I cared.
But I don't anymore. It gone. Those feelings.
I tell myself.
I look at others. FInd others. Seek out others.
I'm well. Better even. A lot better. No more crying.
No more. We are no more.
The past. I think of it. It comes up. In my mind.
I try not to. But it happens. I get sad. A little.
I force it out.
I'm better. I'm better. I. Am. better.
But, yea. I cried once. A long time ago. It's been a while since then.
I'm still letting go.

Random Facts

Random Facts with Matt.

The busier you are, the less your mind wanders.

Junior Year

Ok, it's Junior year and I'm swamped. I in a meeting. I'm in class. I'm on duty. There's no time to be with friends. There's no time to think. There's no time to breathe. Surprisingly, I'm OK with it all. I think i might like being busy, for now. As I sit here, procrastinating, sickened by the thought that a resident of mine gets paid $800 a month to have a blog. Anyways, I'm busy and I like it. I honestly haven't watched TV in like 2 weeks, honest. That's a long time for me. The new TV season is about to start and I don't know when I'll be able to watch TV, and I think I'm OK with that. (Of course I will be watching LOST and Chuck when they return next year.) Tomorrow my office hours begin weighing down a hell of a lot more busy on my shoulders. I'm excited. Am I crazy? Nope, I'm just quirky and awkward. Or as I told a friend once, I'm not on drugs, I'm just socially awkward. Speaking of friends I really miss my Louisa Friends. Even though we are far apart I still feel pretty close to them. But along with a new year, comes new friends. For once, I feel like I know to many people. I'm not complaining, I'm just saying, my phone never stops buzzin. I stay invisible on aim b/c if I'm not I'd never get any work done. Even my residents are constantly bothering me. Again, I'm not complaining, they all seem really cool, and they all really like their RA. As of now though, My junior year is off to a great start. I can't wait to see where it takes me. How will this chapter in my life end. I"m always wondering if a year from now will I still be hanging out with the people I'm hanging out with now. I put my Louisa Friends in a different category, I consider them family. As the old saying goes, Friends come and go, but but family lasts forever. So Hey Junior Year, let's have some fun.